I Don't Care What Happens Next
on the spiritual state of the world, the implications and utility of love, the definition and methodology of enlightenment
You know all that stuff that finding true love is supposed to do for you? Well, it turns out you can have all of that without waiting for that magical chance encounter; all it takes is some introspection, self-discovery, and good old-fashioned hard work. It may not be as simple as that typical fairytale love that brings you deep inner peace, quells all your fears, and dislodges all your dysfunctions in one fell swoop, but it's something you can choose to work toward without the need for all that dumb luck.
Sure, we can sit around and suffer, waiting for our mythical Prince Charming to fix all our problems by seeing right through to our very souls. And we can hope that, when that day comes, we'll recognize the opportunity and somehow magically drop our walls to let him all the way in. Maybe that will be our fate, and maybe it will happen soon. Or maybe we can be a bit more proactive and chase that moment ourselves! We have so many tools at our disposal that don't require waiting and hoping. Some of us turn to religion, some to spirituality, some to the self-help section of our favorite online bookstore. Some of us talk it out with friends or therapists, and some of us practice tai chi and meditate everyday. Whatever our weapon of choice, we are entirely empowered to find that feeling now and build on it every moment of our lives. We don't need to find our missing piece to be whole; we can find a totality within us, if we're only willing and wanting to surrender everything else we thought we were.
At least, that must be the sort of idiotic thing I’ve been believing so far. Yikes. No wonder I never want to get truly close to anyone. It’s either lug around this baggage or find someone who can clean out and replace it all with their own love before I’ve noticed and run away. Unluckily for all, I’m pretty damn good at this whole self-awareness thing, despite what my current revelation may imply, and very few people are capable of distracting me from myself. Sorry, but I’m just too damn fascinating and you’re usually trying too hard or not at all. I mean, it’s pretty hard to forget about the massive yoke of so many former amadors, even in the face of a prospective or two.
Of course, after reading what I’ve just written, I get a pretty heavy dose of 60mg Wake-Up-Call PM as I once again notice how absurdly self-centered and singular (and arrogant and cute and pretentious and elegant and conceited and effectual and big-headed and big-headed…) I am. So, maybe I’m trying too hard, myself. Maybe I should let them go because, really, when will I ever find myself even speaking to any of my ex-whatever’s again, let alone needing to quickly take up all my former feelings and spring into battle with them? Even on the incredibly off-chance that I see his face in person again, I’d much rather be confused for a while, to not know how to feel, to be able to forget who he was and find out who he is now. Things change. People change. Hearts should change, too. And I should quit loading myself higher and thicker and wider and deeper (and other totally inappropriate-sounding dimensions) with all this nostalgic affect and just leave my backpack behind. If I can’t fit it all in my pockets, then I wasn’t meant to have it all.